last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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