9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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