I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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