You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
