I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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