ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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