Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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