So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
