Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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