What did we do last night that was yellow?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
