I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
