two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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