So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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