I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
