The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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