I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
