i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
