Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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