Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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