this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
