Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
