I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
