One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
