i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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