'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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