you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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