I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
