I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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