i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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