just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
