i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
