the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
