obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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