best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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