oh god the rape fog is back!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
