I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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