I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
