Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
