i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
