I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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