I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
