can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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