the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
