I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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