just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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