I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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