This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
