Pappa wants mamma naked
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
