You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
