Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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