...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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