I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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