I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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