Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We were destined to go to rehab together
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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