Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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