My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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