In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
