Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
