It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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