apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
