see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
