You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
